Posted in Uncategorized

Torture

Growing up, I grew to know that I was fat, ugly, and stupid.  My stepmother informed me of this on a daily account and my father never heard and I was too scared of her to tattle.  So by the age of eight, I was on diets to lose weight and I was learning regimes to make myself pretty and had to spend many hours studying.  I was always doing chores, workouts, or homework.  I did get summer times away from homework but not from diets.  I remember many days we would be sent outside and told we could not return inside until dark.  That seemed forever to a young girl.

So, many years I thought that I was never good enough for anything and fought the devil for the ownership of my head.  I struggled with thoughts of suicide and depression as early as ten.  Soon, I would have better people in my life and they would give me the way out of that home.  I began spending my days away from home at the park with friends, biking, and just being a kid.  I recall going all day without eating and then binging on the wrong foods at night, but they gave me comfort and that was what I wanted.  My home life continued to worsen and I was happy to have my much older sister move back to town.  I began living with her all the days possible.

My father and stepmother divorced and soon I had a new one.  This one was fun.  She and I would be silly together and I actually had a reason to come home.  I enjoyed many days with her as my father was gone a lot.

AS I grew older I still battled the feeling of not being good enough or pretty enough or skinny enough.  My husband of 20 years has shown me and told me over and over that I am beautiful and he loves me for me.  I still torture myself.  I don’t think of suicide, and haven’t in 30 years.  I don’t get depressed often, and when I do it is a flutter thought.  I do still battle with the feeling of being enough.  I know I am enough for others but I do not feel enough for myself.

Why do we torture ourselves this way?  Why do we continue to question God’s creation?  God made us this way for a reason.  He wants us just the way we are.  But satan wants us to think otherwise.  He wants us to think we could never be good enough for God.  But God made us more than good enough.

depressed woman

 

 

 

 

 

So, for all of you battling this fight, stand strong!  Pray!  I will pray with you.  Remember also, fill your children with words of LIFE, not death!!!  Tell them they are worth it.  Tell them they are smart and capable.  Tell them they are beautiful and handsome!  Tell them they can do anything with Christ on their side, and He is always for them!

happy child

 

Advertisements

Author:

I am not your typical Texas Girl. I do not wear makeup and do my hair up big! I do not eat out every night, like so many around us. I do enjoy to being with my husband and children and have truly enjoyed it for the last 22 years. Yes, we fight, yes we disagree but we never chose any other life. We fight for one another and our family that is near us. We stand strong against adversity and never sway in our beliefs even when it is going against the grain. We have been blessed in many ways by the God above and remain amazed at the gifts and blessings He has poured over our children. Our walk has had ups and downs but we always return to one another. God Bless each of you reading this blog page!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s