There are so many times in my life as a parent that I have wondered; “Do they even hear me? Are they even paying attention?” That question has bothered me for many moons. I have prayed that God would protect them from my illegitimate ways and my screw-ups in life, that He would shine through those events in my life and make them fade away so that my children would see the good things and see what God wants them to be.
That answer came today.
All my life I have prayed and strived to be a Proverbs Wife, you know Chapter 31, where it speaks of the woman going out early and giving of herself so that her family can be well-provided for. The one that speaks of the late hours she gives up of sleep so that all is ready for the the next day. I have prayed that I could be even one-fifth of that woman, that I would at least show God’s love to my family through my actions and through the tiresome work I perform for them. I wanted to make sure they always knew that they were the reason I did the things I did and they were my motivation for continuing on the long trail I was on. I prayed for God to show them His love through my provisions that He was there and He was the strength that I needed in all the times of control.
God answered another prayer for me.
I received a late Mother’s Day gift from my eldest child, my first born, my reason for living most of my 20’s, my baby boy. He sent me something so simple, so easy to come by that at first glance someone would ask why it would tear me up so. then, open the soft covered red journal that reads, ” Life is Wonderfull and beautifull”. He begins by telling me he loves me, same mushy stuff that all moms want to hear and their children KNOW it. Then it goes on to say that he has seen the woman I am and the life I knew and how much I had become something greater than that life of cruel times and cruel moments of pain and hurt brought on by so many in my life. He continued by telling me that he knew he had not been an easy child to rear (HA, his sister is harder) and that he was so happy his father and I never gave up on him, even at it’s worst. Then, oh yeah, then he hits me. Tears are rolling down my face and then he simply writes: You are the woman they speak of in Proverbs 31:10-31. I fall!!!
This young man of 20 (almost 21) tells his mother that she is exactly as she has prayed and strives to become. She is exactly what God has made her to be. She is exactly the woman that all women want to become.
How do I stand up? How can I be that woman? How can I, simple me, that came from alcoholic father, abandonment issues, sexual relations with those outside of my marriage, mental abuse, neglect, and so many more things; how can I be a Proverbs Woman? How can I be a wife for anyone to look up to? How can I be a mother that anyone would ask a parenting question from? Who am I?
I AM A CHILD OF GOD
So, thank you son! Thank you for seeing me and TELLING me. Because I am my own worst enemy.
Bless each of you.