As I sit here in the quiet of a Christmas morning, I recall so many other Christmas memories. I remember being the one that was lying in bed hoping that Santa showed up and brought me the best gift ever. Although I don’t recall ever visiting Santa, accept for the one time when I was 15 and could not believe that he was actually in the mall, I do recall there being presents under the tree for me. It was never what I had asked for, nor was it anything memorable, as I do not recall a single Christmas before the age of 14, accept for the one I opened all my presents and then attempted to reseal them. I cannot recall asking for anything nor getting anything special. Of course that could be because I was always an afterthought. I was not the main reason for the season nor was I ever a reason to celebrate anything. I was just the weird girl that kept to herself and cleaned up after everyone. I was just the one that got done what was expected. I was always the one expected to clean up after everyone else, and not thought of otherwise. As Daddy was too drunk to care, Mother was not around, and Step-Mother didn’t care that I existed. I am sure she would have preferred me to not have existed. It would have made things much easier on her, or so she probably thought that. I know that had I not been around, her precious angel may have had to actually “do” something, and we shan’t have that now.
So, I sit here thinking of the years that I have enjoyed. I think of the nights of no sleep as I was wrapping everything on Christmas Eve for my precious boy because I didn’t have any money before then to buy him anything. I would stay up late wrapping while TJ would put together whatever bike or mechanical toy we purchased for him as a “Santa” gift. I recall anticipating his joy and excitement. Now, I get to anticipate hers. I get to watch the joyous light from her eyes and see her unwrap the love that we have given her. The anticipation of watching both of my wonderful children unwrap the expressions of our love is worth the many years of disappointment I had when I grew up.
Of course, the years I have been with my amazing husband has never disappointed me on Christmas morning. He has always been the great “Santa” for me. I recall our first Christmas together. We had only been seeing one another for 3 months. He bought me 20 presents or more. I remember opening a new gift each day from him. I recall finding the receipt for the diamond tennis bracelet he purchased for me and him laughing because he had left it out. I knew then that this man was a giver. He didn’t care what it cost nor did he care what it was. If I wanted it, I got it. He showed me each year the love in his heart for me. He has always loved me and he loves to show me how much.
So, I sit here at 3am, pondering and praying that each of you have a Merry Christmas.